|ok you asked for it
||[Apr. 1st, 2005|05:24 pm]
my readers all want to see it, since Northshield posted a part of it.
This is not serious. If you take it serious, I am going to mail you all of the file boxes for this office, postage due.
Top Secret, Extra Confidential Seneschal Report for April
(This report is so confidential, in fact, that you would be best-advised to shred it before and after reading. Many persons indicate my reports make more sense using that technique anyway.)
(Your mileage may vary. Some assembly required if you shred before reading. Settling may occur during shipment. Use of this report in conjunction with alcohol may produce undesirable results. Void where prohibited by the Chairman. Contents, while inflammatory, are essentially inflammable. Attempts to take any of the content herein seriously will likely get a song written about you. Really.)
1. Requests for Board Action:
a. Having heard a rumor that the Society President is receiving the temporary or permanent staffing of six cabana boys and a stunning palanquin, this office requests as a minimum a Golf cart with a stereo and a wet-bar (containing 11 labels of scotch over 20 years old each.) This will bring the Society in compliance with the ADA (Aaron’s Desiring Alcohol), and avoid needing to rustle up a con artist to flim-flam you into the idea.
b. Please approve my decision to add the Dropping of Anvils, padded or unpadded on the toes of the clueless as an appropriate administrative sanction.
c. Please approve in principal my recommendation to revise Corpora to be two rules. (The breaking of either is immediate R&D)
i. Don’t be a jerk.
ii. Them that need naps, take them
2. Policy Interpretations:
a. I had an enquiry by a bubbly glass plain… erm… shire in British Columbia as to whether telephone calls to the Society Seneschal at 2:47 AM, eastern standard time was consistent with the recommended grievance procedure. I have replied that such calls are “right out” and that I’ll find them.
b. There have been some concerns and questions raised as a result of my imposing a stupid tax on anyone who fails to read a section of corpora before quoting it at me. In order to alleviate the concerns I have created a sliding scale, based upon SCA rank, and directed proceeds to the make a Wish Foundation.
3. New Policies:
a. Effective immediately, Persons calling the Society Seneschal line are required to input their member number followed by a pound sign. Failure to provide a valid (and current) membership number redirects the caller to a relay in Portugal charging $17.29 per minute. Proceeds to be directed to cover the costs of the President’s palanquin and my golf cart with stereo and wet bar.
a. Quickenslick films, LLC, is commended for taking our name off their website before I had to come over there.
b. The Kingdom of the East is commended for their timely, effective, and repetitive use of the letter “A.”
5. General Status Report
a. Aethelmearc. In order to fund Pyramids for all royal peers achieving the rank of Duchy, the Kingdom Seneschal is running a Casino just outside the Cooper’s Lake campground in August during the weeks in which Pennsic is held. Any Royal Peer winning more than two Crowns is automatically interred in their pyramid before Coronation.
b. Ansteorra. Modius reports that the Shire Exchange program with An Tir is fully in place, but with mixed results. On the up side, since he now has access to master Ljotr’s Wood-chipper and Pig farm, sanctions have become a non-issue.
c. An Tir. After a number of years of complaining about the NMS, various groups of people in the kingdom have finally realized that NMS does not stand for New-member Surcharge. Kingdom budget concerns have all but vaporized since An Tir merged the Shire/Duchess Exchange programs with the Wood-Chipper outreach alliance. Strangely, things are also much more quiet in diverse locales across the globe.
d. Artemesia. In an effort to increase attendance at events, Artemesia has begun issuing random peerages to new members at the door. Plans are being discussed to also hand out a Duchy to persons meeting certain um…standards of excellence and thereby avoid two very, very long reigns.
e. Atenveldt. At her stepping down speech, Duchess Katie announced that Estrella XXII will be moved to a inclement weather location with a more-dry climate, such as Trimaris.
f. Atlantia. In an effort to make laurel meetings more manageable, the Kingdom has signed a contract with Donald Trump, making him a Court Baron on condition he accepts and fires all but one of the apprentices in the kingdom.
g. Caid. Despite protests from many, Kingdom Law has been mysteriously changed to read “The King’s word is an Vaguely interesting idea.”
h. Calontir. The Dread Pirate Alina (takes no prisoners) reported that Calontir withdrew from the Shire Exchange program when it was revealed they do not get to pick which shire they get.
i. Drachenwald. Drachenwald has elected not to offer sponsorship to SCA members living in New Delhi given the less than favorable results the last time Europe took a go at managing India. Previously troublesome elements in the Kingdom seem to have vanished to an unknown locale. At this point, no one is really interested in asking questions.
j. Ealdormere. The Kingdom Seneschal, Countess Rustique, reported that the submittal of her resume for laurel Queen at arms was a fraudulent attempt by insurrectionists to have her tenure end early. She adds that we might have spotted the problem a bit earlier given the entire application was in cut out letters from CBC weekly magazine.
k. East. St. Katherine reports that there are no outstanding discipline issues in the East Kingdom, and all the people are content. She neglected to answer inquiries about the line item in the kingdom budget for chains and bags of quik-dry concrete mix.
l. Lochac. The Kingdom Seneschal, Master Delbert, respectfully requests that ships sailing from Drachenwald stop making landfall in his kingdom for purposes of depositing passengers.
m. Meridies. Profits from the Swamp Utilization Program seem to have taken a nose dive this quarter. I suspect the timing of this along with the Wood-Chipper installation in An Tir are not coincidental.
n. Midrealm. The Midrealm Newsletter featured a lovely, new, original piece of art just finished for the April issue, titled, “Mona Lisa.”
o. Northshield. The Kingdom of Northshield ended its second quarter as a Kingdom in high spirits, although the name change of the popular Comic “BoD Babe” to “Retired-Viscountess Babe” seems to have affected sales dramatically.
p. Outlands. The Outlands announced they were dissolving a shire alog their border with Atenveldt due to repeated event calendar conflicts. Atenveldt has appealed the right of the Outlands to dissolve one of their shires. I have ruled in favor of Atenveldt, and replaced the defunct shire by declaring the Outlands to be an incipient shire of Atenveldt. It’s not like I can be less popular in the Outlands anyway.
q. Trimaris. Trimaris reports concerns over whether they are an appropriate inclement weather site for Estrella war. In other news it has been three months since the Kingdom Seneschal saw a household member’s picture in the post office.
r. West. The West Kingdom celebrated their first month with less than ten entries in the Darwin Section of my quarterly report. Any rumors that this is directly associated with the shipment of all Royal Peers to an extended conclave in Alcatraz is entirely hearsay.
6. The Darwin Section, or “A Reading from the Book of Stupid.”
a. All materials for this section are so confidential they have been listed in invisible ink and kept under the most strict of security measures. To read them in their entirety, please see the latest version of SCA Today.